For you to think and share...

2009-06-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Paint Ball

It has been ages since I touched my blog. I do not think I am a blog writer. However, I feel like notating down the fun and thrill, apart from the bruises I had today. 10 of us went for a paint ball full-day game today. It was my first paint ball experience, and it was far more fun than I expected, and also far scarier than I thought.

We arrived at Royston at 8 plus in the morning and headed to the paint ball site. Jit Ern missed the train by seconds. He caught up later. We were given briefings as to how to use the gun and also about the rules. The paint balls were far smaller than I expected and the gun was far more powerful than I expected. It REALLY hurts when the paint ball hits u. All 10 of us have bruises everywhere on our bodies.

We were kinda immuned to the pain at first, probably due to the adrenaline. But the pain later sinked in. And we were slightly more cautious so that we do not get hit that much. In the morning, the 10 of us were in the same team. There were about 20 odd ppl in each team. It was really like a battle with bullets flying pass left right and top out of no where. I could actually see and hear the bullets flying at great speed. When it hits u, u go 'ouch' silently. Anyone who gets hit will have to raise their hands and walk to the dead zone.

I have finally experienced crawling and courching among the bushes and the woods, like a real gun battle. There were trenches and articial barricades for hiding and sniping. I have to admit that I am rather timid and most of the time I am hiding somewhere and shooting randomly. Or I will try to cover someone. I do not think I am physically fit enough and mentally prepared enough to run around and risk suffering from painful shots. Due to my lack of fitness, I usually need to dive down behind a tree and pant, before continuing. The first few rounds were rather confusing as I was just seeing bullets flying past and hearing gun shots everywhere without knowing where the enemies were.

Towards the middle of the day people started spamming bullets and that was scary. The most horrifying battles were when I was trapped in two ocassions. The first one was to retrieve the bomb from the centre of the battlefield and plant it in the enemy's base. I crawled near to the bomb and when I was about to jump into the hole to get it, someone threw a smoke grenade and I thought it was an exploding grenade, so I jumped to a slanting wooden barricade on my left. The wind blew the smoke over to me and I was breathing in the awful sulfur smoke. At the same time, Daniel, the national rifleman was spaying bullets at me. My position didn't allow me to move at all and in the end I was shot. But I could not get up because if I do I would be sprayed by more bullets as I might not be seen as 'dead' due to the thick smoke. So, I was stuck there breathing the smoke. Hong Sheng was laughing at me.

The second occassion was when I was hiding in a small hut with a wooden wall in front of me. Daniel was opposite me and he sprayed bullets on the wall. I could feel the wall shaking thunderously and I could not get out from the exit on my right too because he was aiming at the exit as well. So, the whole game I was just shivering behind the wall. Yijin tried to come to the left and fortunately I turned around and stuck my gun out of the small slit and fired at close range on his thigh, which resulted in 3 bruises.

I was quite good at moving around the artificial village and was able to come to the back and killed some enemies. I felt sorry that I caused a big bruise on chien fen's hand due to that. Towards the end I was really tired and it stresses me up whenever a new game starts as I was starting to resent the stress to have to fight in a battle again. It was quite frustrating at times when you were pressured from multiple sides and was immobilised. Trying to survive was also a kind of stress. I guess real war is not all that fun although it is always a fantasy for guys to be able to shoot. There were times I felt like not playing as I was scared.

The last game was a free for all game. Nobody dies if you get hit, you only surrender if you cannot stand the pain or you run out of ammo. Only Siew Kit, Jin Yang, Hong Sheng, Jit Ern and I were playing. We were put at the same starting point and when the Marshall count down from 5, we were told to start firing and 1. But as he said, Marshall cant count, so it went from 5 to 1 straight. We ran towards all directions and smart Siew Kit stayed put and fired us. I saw Jin Yang on my right and he was busy shooting someone. So I sprayed bullets on his back. He turned to me and fired at me on my right while Siew Kit fired from the left from the fort. It was so painful that I literally just ran for my life. I came back and fired someone at the back before running out of ammo. At the end, Siew Kit still has some ammo left and the Marshall ordered him to fire at will although we though the game ended. I crawled up and ran together in zig zag with Jin Yang and charged towards the exit of the shooting site while Hong Sheng and Jit Ern were shot.

There were some kids who are very good at playing. They have their own gears and guns. Their guns could fire a lot quicker than ours. They were actually very agile and very familiar with the grounds. Besides, there were two guys who came to earn bruises for charity. They both have automatic machine guns which sounded scary and loud.

It was a great experience I guess. Thanks to Siew Kit who organised this outing. I have about 16-17 bruises on my body with one severe one on my right hand. Some others having it worse I guess. When I am typing this, my muscles are still tensed up due to the effects of the war and the trauma.

2008-07-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Cancer

While I was struggling to contribute a little to cancer research, my friend's mother lost her battle to cancer. Her dad just died a year ago of the same disease. I am sure there are many other people losing their lives at this very moment to cancer while I am playing around in the lab with the cancer cells that I cultured.

I cannot imagine myself losing both my parents within a year to the same evil disease. Cancer, a disease which spawns from yourself, a rebel, not a foreign invasion, makes it even more difficult to combat. There is really nothing I can do here besides going back to the lab tomorrow and have a look at my specimen under the fluorescence microscope, order a new antibody to find out another potential therapeutic target. I hope we can progress towards helping cancer patients fight against these cunning and resilient rebels. Besides, I wish her and her family members well.

Mrs Leow, rest in peace...

I thought of seeing her when I go home next month. But, the news told me that I will never be able to do that. Thanks for your wishes and your gift when I left for England at that time.

At the Cambridge Cancer Centre Symposium, one verse which caught my eye at the Cancer Research Institute at Addenbrookes Site is

" Together We Can Beat Cancer"

But the irony is while scientists are fighting behind the scene, they are the ones who face problems with research grants. Scientists are at the mercy of big corporation, big pharmaceutical companies, charity organisations etc. If we want to beat cancer, everyone should wake up and give the scientists support. I mean everyone, especially those who are earning big bugs because you never know how important it is until you are diagnosed with it.

2008-06-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Mayweek!

Mayweek is the only major consolation for Cambridge students to celebrate the end of darkness. Mayweek is not in May, but it is the week when the final term of the academic year ends. This also means that every undergraduate has finished his or her exams for the year and in other words, its PARTY time!

Well, my san jie said I attend parties like attend classes. It is quite true. I have been so busy and occupied everyday in Mayweek, or since my exam ended. It was about drinking, clubbing, and garden parties. I think I am truly blending into the British culture. Well, I think the highlight of my Mayweek will be Saint Johns Mayball! I am lazy to explain how its like. Basically it is a ball which costs a hell lot for you to drink and enjoy whole night. But, it is something in Cambridge that I would want to experience.

Today was a pretty good day. I was asked by Tom to help out in their medsoc garden party. It was nice to work with Tom, Rob and Kat. I am really glad to be working with them in setting up the garden party today. It is the company which matters. The garden party turned out great! I love the chocolate fountain a lot.

Besides all the fun, there is still something lacking which is stopping me from feeling very satisfied of the mayweek fiesta. I hope Johns Mayball is able to do the job. Or perhaps there is just no way to really compensate all the struggle during the mad exam period.

Well, I am also looking forward to my summer research project! Oh well, maybe the best satisfaction you can get in Cambridge is not the alcohol or music, it is the intriguing knowledge.

2008-05-31T01:25:00.000-07:00

Revising

9.30a.m.
It is the 6th paper I am going to take this afternoon. this is the 8th day of the prolonged examination (NST Tripos Part 1b 2008). This post will be random and truncated, reflecting my thoughts for the moment. Already exhausted by repeated cramming of information, storing them for the next day's exam, then store them for the next round of papers if there is space, if not delete them temporarily, reload the day before the next round (paper 2 I mean), then regurgitate them during the exam. This prolonged processing and storage is causing some serious stress to my mind and body. Lo and behold, my last paper of the week, which is taking place this afternoon, could be the hardest and worst paper in my examination history, maybe not, but for this exam maybe. They worned me out and send me their 'immortals'.

Well, this evil paper is called Biochemistry and Molecular Biology (2) which includes short answers that are very specific and not giving us a choice and 2 general essays out of 5 requiring us to assimilate all that we have learnt throughout the course. Strategy to defend: Study everything!!! 12 chapters from top to bottom, including all the minor details. If not, you will have extra time in exam! Sounds good huh? Yesterday Tegwen said: Gonna diiieee tomorrow! Siew Kit's personal msg: Staring helplessly on the evil Biochem paper (he meant past years lah!). I said on my msn personal msg: 5 + 1 (myself) down, 4 more to go. Oh yea, after such a long struggle, I still can't believe that even after I have finished today's Helm's Deep equivalent battle, without Gandalf in the end, I still have 3 more papers to go, which is going to end a week later.

Back to revision...

10a.m.
Decided to write again. Well, this doesn't seem like a right way to revise. But, I couldn't care anymore. It is better to keep me sane and stress level to the minimum than to breakdown in the exam, not likely, but I don't want to be depressed. Another 3 hour exam later. I think at 4.30pm I will be extremely relieved. I know there is another week to go, but I deserve a break.

Taking out another set of notes....

Flipped through the notes on folding and catalysis. I have gone through this set of notes for several times because I think it is a very difficult topic. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I have mastered it at all, although a few times seems like whoa! The details are just too difficult to stick in my tiny brain.

Read for a bit.... then sneezed...ooops, immune system not working very well it seems. Brother, not enough sleep la you!

Continue reading....

10.22a.m.
Flipped through two topics, felt a bit sick of the material. Hopefully I could remember small bits to gain small marks. Feeling down and lack of excitement, I think I will just go and do whatever I can in this exam. Expectation dropped to the lowest point. I guess the wall will fall today. Well, getting inspiration from Lord of The Rings, maybe I should fight until the end. Maybe....Gandalf will appear. Haha! But it's ok, at least I have sort of survived the previous attacks with not very serious casualties here and there.

Continuing... How to clone genes into mammals?

10.33a.m.
Hmmm....Go disturb Hong King...hehe

10.50a.m.
Back to work.

11.17a.m.
At such a short time, I have finished going through (flipping through) all the 12 chapters. What a genius I am! Well, partially giving up, and knowing that I can't take in anymore. Sneezed for a couple of times this morning already. This is showing that I am getting sick soon. But it's ok, tonight I will concentrate on fighting infection instead of tripos, which is to sleep and take more fruits and vitamins. Life is good...

Should I call it a day and go for a nap? I think I should.

Good luck Wei Shen!

2008-04-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

Biochemistry or Pathology?

I decided to take a short break after a long regime or revision during the holidays. Although I did not regard my mocks as something very important but they do stress me up because they somehow reminded me of my inadequacy in handling exam questions despite the revision that I have done. It is not really my favourite topic to talk about, I mean exams, because it is a common topic for cantabridgians especially in Easter term. I shall move away from it NOW!

I remembered that I needed to register my subject for next year and Pathology was the decided course for me. I really like Pathology a lot. The reason I chose Pathology is that I am interested in studying cancer apart from immunology. Generally, I think I have this strong affinity to diseases perhaps because I wanted to be a doctor. So, I am actually quite set for it. Another option that I considered is biochemistry, a subject that I thought I would never ever do during my first year and I am doing it this year because it contains a lot of knowledge which is both exciting and important for scientific development. It encompasses many fields in biology due to the fact that molecular biology has got many roles in all those fields. Whether you are talking about cancer or pathogens, molecular biology of it is essential to understand the reason behind all that happen and medical advancements cannot progress well without in depth understanding of molecular biology. As you can see, I am promoting biochemistry now.

There comes the point: BIOCHEMISTRY! It is now telling me to choose it behind my mind. It actually happened when I really look through the course on the website before I chose to register for Pathology. I noticed there is this option on oncogenes and cancer in the biochemistry course which overlaps with the major part of cancer taught in Pathology. So, that really swayed my choice to pick biochemistry because there are so many other interesting stuff including miRNA, DNA, protein interaction which I think are potential elements which can be useful in development of new treatment and therapy for cancer and various diseases. I started to work on the options and found that I can actually do a more interesting combination if I take biochemistry. Amongst them are oncogenes, molecular immunology, and antimicrobial therapy. Do they resemble Pathology a lot? Not too sure whether they are, but they do make me excited. I am sorry Pathology, I might have to ditch you for the moment, most probably so even though I haven't decided.

There are many other interesting options in Biochemistry and another good thing about biochemistry is I can do a 4th year and not graduate first. This is a rather biased and personal preference because I quite like undergraduate life for the moment and wouldn't like to graduate that early. 3 years is just too short for me. Maybe Cambridge casted some spell on me. Well, perhaps I will still go back to Pathology, maybe I change my mind again, hopefully no, and not too late or I might do a PhD in Pathology, who knows. But...Biochemistry is hardcore, everyone knows that. Hard choice huh?

Third year options aside, I think Cambridge has casted me another spell. It is turning me into loving science more and more. I am starting to imagine myself working in the lab now. Well, many would say that it is sort of expected since I chose a science course. This is a good point but I want to say that choosing a science course might not be equivalent to being able to imagine oneself working in the lab. I hope my summer internship goes well and can further inspire me to be a scientist.

Biochemistry or Pathology? It is rather obvious isn't it?

2008-03-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of a title for this post! The election result still sends me so much disbelief and excitement and I couldn't really sit down and work in this weekend. I just have got too much to talk about and don't exactly know where to start.

Finally, I realise the meaning of democracy. I always thought that BN is invincible no matter how hard you try. But my fellow Malaysians have proved me wrong. It is still possible to make a change. Besides, I also see hope that different races will really come together one day as true Malaysians. This historic change in political landscape in the country sent shivers down my spine. I am happy and excited but at the same time worried for the future of the country. Some people say that our country might be more fractionated and divided. For the moment, I still hope and remain optimistic about it.

Whichever side it is, I hope they are able to move forward and discard the old idea of racial politics. Last but not least, I hope that the rakyat realise that they do have a choice and the power lies in us. You can choose who you want to lead you. The previous belief that " aiya, BN sure win one la " is not true anymore. The same can go to any other party because the rakyat can say NO to you if you don't do your job and keep your promise well.

I am proud of you, Malaysians!

2008-02-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

Medics AREN'T Nat Scis!

I repeat, medics aren't nat scis! This post is not against all medics, but it is a reminder to medics who are so arrogant that they think they are 'more' than nat scis or they can be more than nat scis!

I have encountered many medics who have got no scientific passion at all. All they care about is to scoop scientific knowledge for their own businesses. "You actually like pathology practicals?" Imagine a medic saying this. Pathology is the study of disease. If a medic is not interested in pathology, I wonder what he wants to study. Well, of course there are many other subjects in the medical course. But I doubt this kind of medics will have any interest in the other subjects. This year, I am taking two SIMILAR subjects as the medics : Pathology and Pharmacology. Note that I use the word 'similar' because we are indeed not totally the same.

For pathology, we do share the same lectures for the first two thirds of the course. However, I noticed that our attitude towards the practicals are totally different. Guess what? A demonstrator even told me that the medics weren't handling well when we were doing the parasitology practicals. In other words, the medics were scared of worms. This did not come from me, a demonstrator told me that. Most medics don't like histology too. I can tell you I love the slides under the microscope and although I don't love the worms, I am not scared... Therefore, we are different.

Pharmacology, we have different lectures and labs altogether. THANK GOD! For our practicals, we have got a mini project for us to learn to design experiments, the aim of learning to be a nat sci. Medics obviously are not doing that, because they are NOT nat scis. I don't actually know what they do in labs. It is not surprising if they are just memorising which drug does what and what are the doses stated in the manual. Of course not! Cambridge will try to teach them proper pharmacology, but I doubt these arrogant medics can really appreciate science if they have got this unappreciative attitude.

Well, if any of you wonder what infuriated me. The answer is arrogant medics and this statement by a Cambridge medic (you know who) from The Cambridge Student (a student newspaper):

"A lot of medics apply to Cambridge for the prestige and the big fat crest on their degrees. But they are completely unaware that for the first 3 years they are nothing more than glorified NatScis."

Well, this person might just meant that medics in Cambridge aren't good enough. But, without realising(benefit of the doubt), there is a condescending tone towards Nat Scis in his statement.

Of course, there are many medics who are actually true nat scis by having the right attitude towards science. Unlike some medics who think they know more or at least know as much compared to nat scis just because they learnt biochemistry or physiology for a few months. I would say what really distinguishes a nat sci from a medic is the attitude towards science. A true nat sci has got the desire to discover new knowledge (Discover new drugs, new viruses, reasons for disease development... so that medics can learn them to help patients).

Therefore, medics are not nat scis even though they did similar subjects as nat scis. Hence, medics are not superior compared to nat scis. Give some respect to the people who have been working behind the scene for the advancement of medical sciences.

2007-12-26T04:52:00.000-08:00

My First Christmas!

Many would wonder why only a the age of 21 I would say this is my first Christmas. As you know, my family does not celebrate Christmas. Well, I only remember once when I was young, Santa Clause put a ninja turtle toy in my socks. That was the only time I guess.

I was overjoyed when Tegwen invited me to her house for Christmas. She is so sweet because she said she wouldn't want to abandon me alone in Queens'. I had been hoping to experience a real Christmas in an English family. Now, I can tell you that it was a really wonderful one.

On Christmas eve, Tegwen's dad came with his car to fetch us to their house. It is situated in Saffron Walden, a town just half an hour's drive from Cambridge. It is not my first time there, a lovely down I would say. There were Tegwen and her sister, her dad Bop, her mom Megan and her granny Eve. Oh, Eve is 93 but she is still very healthy and strong for someone of that age. She can still cook alone and take care of herself as she lives alone.

Megan taught us how to make minced pies. Tegwen and I had a go and they came out very nice indeed. Minced pie is a traditional food for the English for Christmas. They are small pies with minced inside, they taste sweet. Dinner was sumptuous. We had pasta and meet ball with some salad. I now start to like English food because they are less oily. Well, of course red wine is also something not to be missed. It was a three course meal with pear as dessert. Well the pear is baked with some port and we eat it with cream. Well, before we eat, Bob will usually say cheers and we toast. After dinner we had a family game where by we acted and guessed what the thing is. It was actually hilarious because Bob was having difficulty trying to act Oxford out. Before we went to bed, the kids (Helen, Tegwen and I) hanged their Christmas socks and labelled them for Santa to put present in! Very exciting, isn't it?

On Christmas day, we all woke up quite late and guess what we do first, of course it's to the presents! Our socks are full and some presents had to be laid outside the socks. Imagine how nice it was to have that. I got a lot of things, chocolates, socks, hankie, soap, puzzle block, playing cards and two wooden spoons for cooking! Santa knows me well. There is a half carrot left next to the fire, so Santa is true! Oh, I forgot to mention that they do light fire at the fire place. This is something quite interesting. Sometimes, Tegwen and Helen will play music, one on the piano, the other playing the clarinet.

Lunch was really very delicious. Instead of having stuffed turkey, we had a stuffed chicken. Christmas pudding was for dessert. Well, I had never like Christmas pudding, it is too fruity for me I guess. Afternoon was time for presents again. There was a huge pile of presents next to a 'tree', most of them from the family and relatives. Tegwen organised the present opening ritual and guess what! They gave me a WOK! I was so surprised and excited. Well, this means that I have to cook more for Tegwen in the future, haha! Well, they kiss, hug or shake hand with the person whom they receive the present from. That is part of their culture. I notice they are very expressive after every gift wrapper being torned apart. It was very interesting to experience such a way of celebrating Christmas!

Dinner was simple but delicious as well with wine, ham, and smoked salmon. After dinner, we watched Jeeves and Wooster, a British series which depicts a master and a vallet around 1930s. Stephen Fry, who is a Queens' graduate acted as Jeeves and I like Jeeves a lot. It is a very English series. They speak in a very English accent and walk like Englishmen. Well, it is funny though. I notice English people are really good at manipulating words. I am really glad that I really have a chance to be immersed in such an English environment, experiencing every bit of English culture. From the way they like tea, to the way they speak and express, every bit is an experience to me. Their hospitality was superb and I like the whole family a lot. Lovely! A very common description by the English. Well, indeed, it was lovely!

Thank you Tegwen, Bop, Megan, Helen, and Nana Eve for the fantastic Christmas!

2007-12-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Being alone

I have been spending most of the time on my own for the past few days. I guess I am the only student left in this Cripps Building. Well, of course I still have slight human contact, maybe in the library or the dining hall, not too much. I would think it is a bit scary to feel the total silence around me. The winter cold and early sunset are exacerbating the situation. Yet, I chose to be alone during this holidays as much as possible.

There are many friends who are concerned and kept asking me to go over for dinner. I even receive msn or text messages to ask whether everything is going fine here. I sincerely thank you for all the care and concern even though all of you have got your own priorities. It is for this reason that I want to learn to be alone. For my experience tells me that friends do care, but they do have priorities and they can't be with me always. Any obstacle that we face in life, be it academic or emotional, requires we ourselves to face. The decision is still on me. Therefore, I am starting to realise that life is really about facing it alone, even your best friend cannot help you.

Surprisingly, I am coping well so far. My courage has bloomed, I am not afraid of the dark, or the soundless nights. I am staying strong and keeping myself focus on studies and contemplating on my dreams. Well, I do not deny that sometimes I can really feel the loneliness and the discomfort. But they somehow go away. A friend of mine said I am actually learning some buddhism. I do agree. But he later teased me that I actually need a woman! Perhaps he is right. He explained that we are not arahants, we somehow need women. But too bad, for my case no one has volunteered so far. Haha! So, I have to brace the loneliness. But I guess I am doing fine and hopefully this way enables me to learn more about myself and be more mature and strong.

Many friends must have thought that this is weird because it defies my usual sociable self. Well, time for some rest I guess.

2007-12-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

When the music speaks

Term has ended followed by three consecutive clubbing nights- CUMSA bop, Club Salsa and Jingles at Queens'. Finally can get some rest today.

I am really dancing so much that I would never ever imagine. I remember it was not really a culture to dance in my secondary school. Stereotyping is quite a strong culture back at home. Moreover, there is not much exposure about dancing too. Most of my friends are not keen in exploring something different too.

I just can't describe how I feel when i can step, move, and spin in the music. It just feels so emancipated. My muscles listen to the music. My soul became a dancer when the music speaks to it. I really have to thank my salsa teacher, Haihan for introducing this wonderful art of salsa to me and also for his willingness to teach me personally and sincerely besides the classes. Of course, I have to thank myself too for breaking myself free by coming all the way to Cambridge and dare to step into the unknown and explore. Well, I guess I have always liked dancing, it is just that I do not have the opportunity to do so.

Different music speaks to different people. I guess Latin music communicates with me very well. Maybe that explains why my interest doesn't bloom in piano and I struggled for a pass. I was not able to identify chords, play by ear.... But my muscles listen to music now. Perhaps I am able to dance by ear, not play by ear.

Salsa and bachata is playing in the back ground now, vamos a bailar?

2007-10-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Dancing

"See you at the Porters Lodge in 5 minutes..." I put down the phone and off we went to Club Salsa. Angie, Jen and I for the first time, went to club together. This is a slightly different club. As you can tell from the name - SALSA. We are actually in the same salsa class and they wanted to have a look at the club.

It was Saturday night, i actually got a discount for entering the club as I am part of the Hispanic Society. Sounds cool isn't it? We were anticipating salsa music but felt weird because obviously it was not salsa music. We later found out that Saturday night is latin night. So, they will play a mixture of latino music. There were a lot of merengue. I still have problems differentiating them most of the time. Being a newbie, i had no choice but to watch and learn. The key I think, is just to dance to the music after that.

Merengue, with simpler basics compared to salsa, has got some similarities with salsa, especially the twisting and turning. I used whatever I have learnt in salsa and tried to apply it right on the dance floor. I hope Jen and Angie didn't mind being guinea pig for the night. But they did enjoy it I guess. To me, I don't think there is any music so far which is so danceable as latino music. I do not seem to enjoy in other clubs that much with all the cheesy, rock, and RnB music. Although RnB is still alright for me. My muscles are starting to 'listen' to music...

I love dancing!

2007-10-15T00:31:00.000-07:00

Prayer at the Chapel

I volunteered to read the Bible in the my college's chapel after suggested by our dean of chapel, Reverend Christopher Whithall. There were only two of us in the quiet chapel, the dean and me. It began with saying of praises to the Lord. In the middle, it was my turn to read parts of the Bible. I was asked to read Ezekiel 28: 1-19 and John 13: 1-11. After that, we did a few more verses of praises. I actually like the effect of the chapel when our voices echo the within the chapel space.

The most beautiful part of all is still the prayer after all the praises and reading. It was the same feeling when I did group metta in buddhist temple. The boundless love is powerful. The vibration stimulates the tear glands, induces the opening of our hearts. I think this is something to learn from our Christian friends. They do more direct prayers than Buddhist groups do. I am also suspecting that the words and sentences used in Christian prayers create direct effects. It might be the translation of the Pali language to English causing the slight loss of metta effect for lay people who have yet got to the high level of cultivation of metta.

"We pray for the person who is now reading this post, let him or her find peace and happiness." (Christian prayer)

"May the person who reads this post be well, peaceful and happy" (Buddhist metta meditation thoughts)

Above are examples of the way the two groups of people would normally structure the sentences in their prayers. I think Buddhists might need to learn quite a bit from the Christians.

From this prayer session, I understand even more what is meant by love of God which has always been the driving force for all Christians to have faith in Him. I was actually questioned as to why I, who is not a Christian (but a Buddhist instead) would be willing to do Bible reading and Christian prayers. I said it is because I am a Buddhist, I should go for it. It is because I am a Buddhist, I should pray (metta) for other people whether it is in a church or a buddhist monastery. I do not see the difference.

2007-10-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

Buddhist Circle

One of the core activities that I am going to get involved in--Buddhist Circle has sprung into a new chapter. With the new logo, new website layout, and new theme ( A whole new experience ) of the Cambridge University Buddhist Society, we are all enthusiastic about this year's activities. After a short film on Life of The Buddha, the discussion went on with a surprisingly high level start. The new members offered their experiences which are tied to their philosophical ideas. I was afraid that the old members get intimidated by the heavy stuff because most of them seem to be a little quiet.

I am not having the intention to draw the border between asians and westerners, but we cannot ignore that there is a difference in the way they act in the discussion today or in daily life in general. The feeling of today's discussion is just different from previous discussions that we had last term. I am not sure whether it is because that there are newcomers or is it because that is the way westerners do in discussions. Previous discussions are more like discussion amongst a group of close friends. Today's discussion is inspiring and interesting but the sense of closeness was not really felt.

Rachael, our senior treasurer mentioned that she could just feel the difference when it is a group of asians carrying out that discussion. She said that there is just a kind of feeling which I guess it the closeness that Asians bring. But westerners have not learnt this as she said, they each come for themselves. For example, my meditation, my philosophy etc. On the other hand, Asians are less able to convey and share one's thought sometimes. The intriguing discussion couldn't have happened if the group consists of asians only. I guess we have got things to learn from each other.

This leads to an article which came out in the Varsity newspaper today with the title "UK universities failed to integrate foreign students". I was actually interviewed about this issue by Varsity and expressed my views that foreign students really find it hard to integrate with the British. It might be due to British being unaware of the uneasiness of foreign students in mixing around with them. It could be partly due to British students just do not bother to understand us or just simply not that interested. Internationals here also have the responsibility perhaps. We do not take the first step to explain our situation and to reach out and say: We need help.

I really hope that the members from different culture and background in the Buddhist Circle can break through this cultural barrier and form the close-knit environment again. It is a challenge which I am willing to take because I do not want Buddhist groups to be fragmented according the regions and cultures. Because come to think of it, we, whether from the East or the West, are not that much different. We look for the same thing and suffer from pretty much the same problems.

2007-09-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Death

'Death' is a word I never understood well. Not until my grandfather, who had been staying with me for 21 years, died so suddenly that I started to give serious thought about this very word-death. I had always thought that no one has yet to die amongst my direct family members. I did give a thought before that one day someone will die, but I usually stop this thought immediately as I thought it doesn't help being morbid. But now, I have experienced death of a close family member. I saw him lying on the bed motionlessly minutes after his last heartbeat.

It was on Tuesday morning that my parents, my brother and I visited him in the hospital. With optimism, I thought he will be fine after the doctors perform the heart surgery. So, we thought of having our breakfast while waiting for my grandfather to be operated in the operation theatre. After breakfast we went up to the operation theatre and saw my aunt weeping. My uncle told us that the operation was not successful. Later the doctor informed us that my grandfather has passed away. I was not able to really accept this fact. He was still walking around and eating well two days ago before he left for the hospital. He actually walked into the hospital without severe pain or discomfort. But now the doctor was telling us that he is not going to wake up anymore nor is he going to utter his last words.

My mind sank into a space between expectations and reality which form a large gap. My mom and my aunts knelt down crying painfully while chanting. When my grandma came in and knew about the bad news, she cried instantly and that triggered my tears to burst out. I couldn't control my tears anymore. I understood what actually grief is! For few days during his funeral, I was sad and couldn't control my tears occasionally. Sometimes memories of him together with us, all that he had done for us flow naturally like movies in my mind. That is when my i felt the pain of losing a beloved family member, my grandfather.

His death actually gave me a lot of room for contemplation. Death doesn't actually happen when one ceases to breathe. Death actually happens every single moment because every single moment is birth. It is the ignorant mind which thinks that birth starts when one cries when out from the womb and death happens when one is time to go the tomb. Maybe it is not this way after all. Birth and death are intertwined gaplessly every single moment. If we can see through this, I hope there is no fear of death because we have died umpteen times and will continue to die.

'Impermanent are all conditioned things,' said the Buddha. I will die too.

2007-09-13T04:36:00.000-07:00

Penang Bridge

From afar, I saw the familiar structure which links the mainland of Peninsula Malaysia to Penang Island, the island where the British first set foot in Malaya. A well developed city, Penang has been a Malaysian pride especially as the Food Paradise of Malaysia. The Ipoh people might launch a disagreement but that is not the debate of the day.

The toll was still there after so many years. The slight difference might be that my dad is now using Touch and Go. I was anticipating a beautiful view when our car roll onto the bridge. To my surprise, there were fencing on my right, which blocked my view of the cars coming in the opposite direction. What an eyesore! My mind started to ponder for the reason of setting up such ugly structure which obstructed my view. It might be done to stop people from crossing over, my initial reasoning power told me so. Then, I turned to my left, the same fencing was also built on my left, blocking my view of the sea and ships. Where is the beautiful blue sea which its border converges with that of the sky's? That was a disaster to my mood and feelings. My mom who is very mildly claustrophobic felt that she was like trapped in a tunnel, the sky above us did not help at all. Indeed, it has become like a 'tunnel'. The beautiful bridge has totally being destroyed. My expectations of crossing the World's third longest bridge have not been met by the reality.

Totally lost of mood, I lay back on the seat and started contemplating. This reminded me of the Berlin wall, imagine how horrible the impact was. I remember my trip to Berlin that taught me history of East and West Germany. The people from the East Berlin wished to have the freedom of the West Berliners. The blocking of my view by the fences really evoked emotions in me, a poignant scene I would say. The fences on the bridge has not been fully constructed. There were still slits for users of the bridge to have a last look at the sea from the once beautiful Penang bridge. I wonder is this happening to our lives now? Are we being threatened by encroaching censorship and repress? Are we being taught what to be seen and what not to be? I like the sea, the boundless sea. I do not like to be confined and start wondering what is outside my cell. If there are still some slits left before the Berlin Wall completely close the city up, would you cross the border or continue to try to make a difference in this side of the world?

This is a difficult question to be answered.