Death
'Death' is a word I never understood well. Not until my grandfather, who had been staying with me for 21 years, died so suddenly that I started to give serious thought about this very word-death. I had always thought that no one has yet to die amongst my direct family members. I did give a thought before that one day someone will die, but I usually stop this thought immediately as I thought it doesn't help being morbid. But now, I have experienced death of a close family member. I saw him lying on the bed motionlessly minutes after his last heartbeat.
It was on Tuesday morning that my parents, my brother and I visited him in the hospital. With optimism, I thought he will be fine after the doctors perform the heart surgery. So, we thought of having our breakfast while waiting for my grandfather to be operated in the operation theatre. After breakfast we went up to the operation theatre and saw my aunt weeping. My uncle told us that the operation was not successful. Later the doctor informed us that my grandfather has passed away. I was not able to really accept this fact. He was still walking around and eating well two days ago before he left for the hospital. He actually walked into the hospital without severe pain or discomfort. But now the doctor was telling us that he is not going to wake up anymore nor is he going to utter his last words.
My mind sank into a space between expectations and reality which form a large gap. My mom and my aunts knelt down crying painfully while chanting. When my grandma came in and knew about the bad news, she cried instantly and that triggered my tears to burst out. I couldn't control my tears anymore. I understood what actually grief is! For few days during his funeral, I was sad and couldn't control my tears occasionally. Sometimes memories of him together with us, all that he had done for us flow naturally like movies in my mind. That is when my i felt the pain of losing a beloved family member, my grandfather.
His death actually gave me a lot of room for contemplation. Death doesn't actually happen when one ceases to breathe. Death actually happens every single moment because every single moment is birth. It is the ignorant mind which thinks that birth starts when one cries when out from the womb and death happens when one is time to go the tomb. Maybe it is not this way after all. Birth and death are intertwined gaplessly every single moment. If we can see through this, I hope there is no fear of death because we have died umpteen times and will continue to die.
'Impermanent are all conditioned things,' said the Buddha. I will die too.
posted by Wei Shen @ 9:37 AM
3 Comments:
My condolences buddy... I've lost family members too and I guess however many times it happens each time is its own brand of sorrow.
Maybe the scary part is that when things like these happen we're abruptly reminded of our own mortality, something I guess all of us still fear somewhere deep inside us.
We'll work our way towards understanding impermanence together, won't we =)
Yea, we will work towards seeing things as they are together. Thanks. I will share with you more about this life and death contemplation if you want.
Yea, we will work towards seeing things as they are together. Thanks. I will share with you more about this life and death contemplation if you want.
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