Sunday, September 23, 2007

Death

'Death' is a word I never understood well. Not until my grandfather, who had been staying with me for 21 years, died so suddenly that I started to give serious thought about this very word-death. I had always thought that no one has yet to die amongst my direct family members. I did give a thought before that one day someone will die, but I usually stop this thought immediately as I thought it doesn't help being morbid. But now, I have experienced death of a close family member. I saw him lying on the bed motionlessly minutes after his last heartbeat.

It was on Tuesday morning that my parents, my brother and I visited him in the hospital. With optimism, I thought he will be fine after the doctors perform the heart surgery. So, we thought of having our breakfast while waiting for my grandfather to be operated in the operation theatre. After breakfast we went up to the operation theatre and saw my aunt weeping. My uncle told us that the operation was not successful. Later the doctor informed us that my grandfather has passed away. I was not able to really accept this fact. He was still walking around and eating well two days ago before he left for the hospital. He actually walked into the hospital without severe pain or discomfort. But now the doctor was telling us that he is not going to wake up anymore nor is he going to utter his last words.

My mind sank into a space between expectations and reality which form a large gap. My mom and my aunts knelt down crying painfully while chanting. When my grandma came in and knew about the bad news, she cried instantly and that triggered my tears to burst out. I couldn't control my tears anymore. I understood what actually grief is! For few days during his funeral, I was sad and couldn't control my tears occasionally. Sometimes memories of him together with us, all that he had done for us flow naturally like movies in my mind. That is when my i felt the pain of losing a beloved family member, my grandfather.

His death actually gave me a lot of room for contemplation. Death doesn't actually happen when one ceases to breathe. Death actually happens every single moment because every single moment is birth. It is the ignorant mind which thinks that birth starts when one cries when out from the womb and death happens when one is time to go the tomb. Maybe it is not this way after all. Birth and death are intertwined gaplessly every single moment. If we can see through this, I hope there is no fear of death because we have died umpteen times and will continue to die.

'Impermanent are all conditioned things,' said the Buddha. I will die too.

posted by Wei Shen @ 9:37 AM 3 comments

Thursday, September 13, 2007







Penang Bridge

From afar, I saw the familiar structure which links the mainland of Peninsula Malaysia to Penang Island, the island where the British first set foot in Malaya. A well developed city, Penang has been a Malaysian pride especially as the Food Paradise of Malaysia. The Ipoh people might launch a disagreement but that is not the debate of the day.

The toll was still there after so many years. The slight difference might be that my dad is now using Touch and Go. I was anticipating a beautiful view when our car roll onto the bridge. To my surprise, there were fencing on my right, which blocked my view of the cars coming in the opposite direction. What an eyesore! My mind started to ponder for the reason of setting up such ugly structure which obstructed my view. It might be done to stop people from crossing over, my initial reasoning power told me so. Then, I turned to my left, the same fencing was also built on my left, blocking my view of the sea and ships. Where is the beautiful blue sea which its border converges with that of the sky's? That was a disaster to my mood and feelings. My mom who is very mildly claustrophobic felt that she was like trapped in a tunnel, the sky above us did not help at all. Indeed, it has become like a 'tunnel'. The beautiful bridge has totally being destroyed. My expectations of crossing the World's third longest bridge have not been met by the reality.

Totally lost of mood, I lay back on the seat and started contemplating. This reminded me of the Berlin wall, imagine how horrible the impact was. I remember my trip to Berlin that taught me history of East and West Germany. The people from the East Berlin wished to have the freedom of the West Berliners. The blocking of my view by the fences really evoked emotions in me, a poignant scene I would say. The fences on the bridge has not been fully constructed. There were still slits for users of the bridge to have a last look at the sea from the once beautiful Penang bridge. I wonder is this happening to our lives now? Are we being threatened by encroaching censorship and repress? Are we being taught what to be seen and what not to be? I like the sea, the boundless sea. I do not like to be confined and start wondering what is outside my cell. If there are still some slits left before the Berlin Wall completely close the city up, would you cross the border or continue to try to make a difference in this side of the world?

This is a difficult question to be answered.

posted by Wei Shen @ 4:36 AM 0 comments